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Once upon a time I was researching an article I was going to pitch a few magazines on overcoming my fear of flying. I found a few places that had group therapy, a couple of sites with online self-help, and a plethora of books that dealt with the topic. Dealing with my fear of flying was going to open new doors for me; traveling with my children would never be so fun & Disney world would be a hop, skip, and a jump away instead of something only to be accessed by 6 hours of rampant white knuckled terror coupled with the looming shadow over my vacation of the trip BACK.

I’m so happy to report that all of this research is no longer necessary! Thanks to that idiotic terrorist who was too stupid to do anything other than set his pants on fire, I no longer have a reason to conquer my fear of flying. I can live in gleeful surrender and walk the high road to acceptance.

So it is here, on my blog, that I will admit for all the world to see/read:  I HATE FLYING.

I hated flying before it became ’stylish’ to hate flying. On one memorable flight in 2006, as I careened my way on a WestJet flight to Toronto for a pitch on a reality show called “Dragons Den”, the flight attendants had to drag out the oxygen mask and pitch an unsuspecting sleeping man into the aisle so she could sit beside me and take my pulse. The reason? Turbulence over the great lakes. Bump, bump, bump and I started to scream my ass off, crying, shaking, and hyperventilating.  It was a first for me, but it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

I hated flying before 9/11, which gave everyone in the world a damn good reason to hate flying. It seems unreasonable to me that you should be careening in the air at 35,000 feet (most flights I’ve taken in the not so recent past went up to 40,000, although I have no idea why) in a metal tube the shape of a Jimmy Dean sausage package with 250 other people.  I kid you not; every single time I take my kids in an airplane I feel as though I’m about to send them to their doom.  I sit through the flight, hands wet and heart thumping, trying to keep my phobia from my kids. By the time I get off the plane, my entire body is tense and exhausted, like I’ve just kicked someone’s butt for an hour. Not a fun place to be.

After 9/11, it seemed as though there was real progress made in preserving airplanes from being used as weapons of mass destruction. Security measures, increased safety regulations, the chucking of random Disney snow globes when your daughter wants to bring them on a plane (incidentally, I think Californian airports must have a room for these snow globes, then sell them on eBay to fund their Christmas parties).  All of these measures contribute to safety in the air, right? Really, I’m asking.  Because it’s still all bullshit to me. I’ve always felt that just because they managed to pull it off once, does not mean that they won’t try to take down an airplane again. Apparently and unfortunately,  I was correct.

I have a few theories that have allowed me to board planes and maintain my sanity. 
Theory one: Flying in Canada is safer than flying to US destinations.  Why? Well, number one I believe that our airplanes are maintained at a different standard than US planes.  Although I delude myself into believing this, it may or may not be true. I really have no idea, but it’s my belief and it gets me on planes so please allow me to maintain the delusion. Unfortunately, I can fly across Canada 10 times and still not get to Disneyworld or the warm shores of California, so although I may feel it is safer, the strong desire NOT to fly within Canada negates my desire to be SAFE on airplanes.
Theory two: Certain US airlines are safer than others. Once again, probably complete BS, but I do have a few favorites and one very strong and intense dislike for American airlines. They threw my daughter’s stuffed kitty into the garbage, deluding me into thinking that Dallas/Fort Worth had an American Airlines ‘lost and found’ department. Lost and found in the garbage can more like.
Theory three: Short flights are safer than long flights, as there is less time for something bad to happen. Really, I make myself laugh at this one, but as I’ve said before, it’s my delusion and I’m sticking with it. It’s just as simple for a nut job to take his homemade thigh bomb and try to set himself  on fire in the window seat during a 2 hour flight as it is for him to do it during a 5 hour flight. Short flights just allow me to suffer for less time. This is the reason I have visited Disneyland 3 times over the past 3 years and not ventured to sunny Florida (Does it look like I only vacation at Disney? It’s true, much to the disgust of my husband)

As you can see, my theories are really just a way to convince my irrational mind to allow me to board the plane. Once I’m strapped in and taking off, the real fun starts. Thankfully though, I no longer have a reason to strap myself in anywhere! I’m free, because unless they (the Government) take their heads out of their butts and actually fix the problem (or we all fly naked and without baggage), I will never fly again. And I am NOT alone in this, which is also wonderful and makes me feel cozy in a fearful, clammy sort of way.

It’s only a 3 day drive to Florida from here.

I posted on my other blog the details of our experience at the NorthPoleBC. I, for some reason, cannot copy and paste it here so I will simply post a link,and maybe a video if I can get it working.

Nate bails at the North Pole – Video

Link to other blog – http://www.shellywutke.blogspot.com

Oh my, I have hosted, cleaned up after, and eaten my way through my 2nd birthday party this month.  It serves me right for only procreating during two basic times per year, because I have 2 kids with birthdays in June and 2 within 3 weeks of each other in Nov/Dec.  This, of course, makes you wonder what I was up to at the end of September and around Valentines Day. Clearly my eggs only dropped twice a year.  I am nothing if not predictable.

Today’s festive event was held at the sanitarium called “Captain Kids.” Complete with a butt burning molten lava slide (I kid you not, my child used his sweater after the first attempt and has what I can only call ‘rug burn’ on his rear), this place was a true mecca for germs and sweaty fun.  Party started at noon and by 3:00 pm my children were begging to go home.

To survive I ate the delicious cake I baked, complete with 4 different colors of icing in “Wiggles” colors and paced.  I also dished out a hefty dose of GermX everytime anyone came near me or the baby.

My 4 year old had a great time for the most part, but he really just wanted to be at home playing with his toys.  This is the first true taste of personality that I’ve seen from him. I predict a homebody in this one.

Just a personal side here: I’d like to say something about my little Wiggly J before I let the thought go. I was upset when I became pregnant with him, because it was unplanned and life was so stressful to begin with.  As time went on, I became more used to the idea, but when they handed me that baby on December 1st four years ago, I was just as surprised as if I was told I was pregnant that day. Here I had a perfect little baby that I hadn’t asked for, and I could have flipped out over how lucky I felt at that moment. My little Wiggle has been a gem straight through the past four years, and although he’s at that age where he’s always right and I am always wrong, I wouldn’t change a hair on his head.  He has expressive eye brows, a big vocabulary (that’s not really appropriate mom), and a way of naming colors after his favorite music (I’ll take a blue Anthony crayon) that is just beyond amazing. I was lucky then, I’m lucky now.

I completed 1000 words today.  I was just inspired, sat down, and finished Chapter 3.  I could have done some freelance work, which I am going to do now, but instead I wrote for fun.  After today, it was a great relief. I loved it.  This is the first time ever, ever, ever that I’ve had a person in me shouting to get their story told. I write about her as though she is trapped inside of me trying to get out, and its just  a thrill to get it on paper.  Not to say that the first draft isn’t going to be complete crap, but it’s so fun to see it out there.

Good night!

So, I was asked to appear on CBC’s Dragons Den.  I actually wrote a little article about it for the local paper a few years back, and I will post that excerpt here.  Looking back, it wasn’t a very good article, but I wasn’t much of a writer back then. I was into WEBSITES! (As this is from 2007, I will inject future Shelly in brackets wherever I feel necessary)

Within 1 month I had a request from CBC to appear in the den itself.  Seized by fear, I asked myself the question every small business owner asks at one point or another, “Is any publicity better than no publicity?”  I decided that having Kidswap’s name flogged across the country wasn’t such a bad thing, and made myself get on that plane to Toronto. (I didn’t mention in this article but while on that plane to Toronto, they had to pull out the oxygen mask because we hit a bad patch of turbulence over the great lakes and I had a full scale panic attack. The flight attendant actually grabbed the sleeping idiot beside me and almost tossed him into the aisle. Then she helped me breath while I calmed down. As people were obviously concerned, she said “Don’t worry everyone, she is fine. She’s going to be on reality television.”  No one asked for my autograph, but I could tell they were intrigued!)

(And now, back to the den) As is stands, there was good reason to be afraid of the Dragon’s Den.

I stood at the top of a long flight of stairs.  A strong yeasty aroma  surrounded me in the fermentation room of Toronto’s Distillery District.   Despite pep talks from the producers, I was shaking in my shoes.  Descending the dark staircase, I found my mark and opened my mouth to start my pitch. 30 seconds later, my 2 minutes of ‘uninterrupted speaking’ was over as I was peppered with questions (I’ll go with the word “attacked” here instead. Yes, attacked works much better than “peppered” in this case).   Immediately I realized why they called them ‘Dragons’.  I was being attacked (see?) with queries and condemnations about my business model, my lack of market knowledge, and the competitive target audience I was striving for.  In the space of 3 minutes it was being decided that what I really had was nothing more than a hobby that couldn’t go anywhere.

Then an interesting thing happened; I started arguing.

I thought about all of the people who sold on the site, all of the parents who eschew large corporate sites for buying and selling, the small businesses whom needed places to advertise and gain exposure.  They were attacking my baby, and I was irate.  My shining moment came when poised a question by dotcom millionaire Robert Herjavec, “Come on, why would a mother in Newmarket, Ontario sell on Kidswap?”  To that I grabbed a sweater from a pile of props (namely sweaters that they asked me to bring in as display) I had brought and stated very firmly, “I purchased THIS from a mom in Newmarket, Ontario.  She makes a killing on Kidswap.”  He and I looked at each other for a moment of silence, after which he uttered the dreaded words “I’m out.”

Each Dragon agreed with Robert, and decided against the investment quickly.  My eyes rested on Kevin O’Leary, creator of the Learning Company and investment guru for the television program ‘Squeeze Play’, who had yet to give a final decision.  “I like you.  I think you may have something here.”  Long pause.  I attempt to remain upright and continue breathing, but at this point I am sweating to the roots of my hair.  He continued, “If I hadn’t lost so much money in dotcom’s, I really think I’d be into this.”  Pause again as he taps his pencil on the pile of money sitting beside him. “Ok, well, I’m going to have to say no I think.  I’m out.”

I felt a mixture of disappointment and relief that the moment I anticipated for a month was over, but as I was walking away my only thought was “I almost had one of them!”

I felt euphoric.

I was a mom of three children, running a business from my kitchen that, although extremely popular, barely generated any income.  I had forced myself to go in front of 5 millionaires and pitch an idea that I had already made a reality. (Yes I did, and I am still proud of myself for that) If I never did anything again, at least I can say that I took that risk and showed a passion and belief in my own ideas.

Lessons from the Den?  The greatest gift entrepreneurs can give themselves is to listen to those with experience.   Although they are millionaires who own companies that provide pizza that I regularly eat and underwear that I admire from the mall windows, they are smart and down to earth.  Their assessment of my business may just have been correct, but it was the spunk I took into the den that keeps me dreaming and working toward my goal of profitable ecommerce.

So there you have it in a nutshell.  I no longer work toward a goal of profitable ecommerce, but I do still have fond memories of what Kidswap was at one point.  Unfortunately for me, Dragons Den was the tip of the slippery slope I went down that year. I needed a new look to the web site before I was going to be broadcast on the show, so I hired a few idiots along the way.  Not a good move on my part, but one I can finally forgive me for.

Although this doesn’t directly have anything to do with my writing, it does show you how I went from being a complete ecommerce addict to not really caring at all, and eventually finding what I’m really good at: Writing.  I look back almost grateful.  (I am, however, still vindictive to those who scammed me! Watch out!)

I saw a Tweet today from Anderson Cooper at CNN about someone’s ‘Biggest Screw Up’.  Yes, I know that everyone has their moments in life where they mess up big time, so it was nice to see someone else talking about their biggest screw ups in their career. It also made me think about my biggest screw up, which I have to say was CBC’s Dragons Den.  I didn’t specifically screw up on Dragons’ Den, but everything else I screwed up after was because of that show.

Have you ever known anyone asked to be on this program? No? Well now you can say you do. In August of 2006, I received an email from a friend saying “Hey, apply for this.”  It was an open casting call for Dragons Den, which had just come to Canada after being successful in the UK.

At the time, I owned a business called Kidswap.  Technically, I still own the trademarked name “Kidswap” and the web site (with a friend who is a partner), but it sits lonely and only occasionally used.  I’d have to delve into that one later, but for the purpose of this blog post imagine a bustling web site, with thousands of users and hundreds of ads being posted daily. It was a very large community, very busy, and really cool.  I loved it.  It was my passion.  The site is why I used that name as my twitter signature @kidswap .  The ties that bind I suppose.

At any rate, I submitted an email to the producers and forgot about it.  About a month later I received an email back asking me to audition. Of course I was knocked out of my chair by this. I had just been featured in the Province newspaper about a month before, so as far as the site being busy, etc. it was good timing.   I had three little kids at the time, and a decidedly busy husband, but I wanted to go for it.  I went down on audition day, stood in front of the camera, and smiled a lot.  I was so nervous I was shaking.  The producer commented on my peidcure (Thank you Spa Utopia) and I was out of there.  I left knowing that I had made a good impression.  Then, as any busy mom does, I forgot about it again.

3 weeks later, I ran into the library to return some book.  My phone rang while I was in there and my husband answered it.  When I got back to the car, he said that there was a message for me.  Reading from it almost made me pass out.  Dragon’s Den wanted me to call them, they wanted me on the show!!  I cannot remember specifically what I said or did, but I was so scared and excited at that point. It was really incredible, that this little web site I put up in my spare time was getting national attention from a bunch of investors in Toronto.

I called them back when I got home, and I was told that I was their top choice in Western Canada to come out and do the show.  They had to have me there.  Imagine the shock. Imagine the awe. Imagine the complete panic!!  They would send me my airfare, and I was set to go in two weeks.

I will be back to finish up. As is the life of a mom, children who are hungry/dirty/waking up come before writing.

You’ve all read/experienced the challenges of working from home when you have your kids with you.  It’s almost impossible, and some days you can take the almost out of that sentence and realize that yes, it is impossible to work from home.  Boredom, rain, cooking, cleaning, or teething all contribute to children being unable or unwilling to sit/stand/or entertain themselves. It’s gotten so that I think the back of my closet is a good place to be, and I have hidden several small chocolate bars and a couple bottles of water if I have to hit the deck unexpectedly.

How do you combat this eternal struggle, the constant battle between your desire to write productively and be with your children? The obvious answer is daycare.  Some of us have that, some of us do not.  I for one, do not.  My littlest is 4 months old, and I have strong views about leaving him with anyone.  Just for fun, let’s run through a few scenarios that may or may not help you with your current child attending dilemas:

• Leave them with your husband/boyfriend/SO – Ok, if this is an option for you, take it by all means.   This is the path of least resistance as far as writing, and if you know he/she/whomever is going to be home at the end of the day, you will look forward to that small piece of heaven/time and it will get you through.  This is not an option for me, as my husband works evenings/travels/ and has an erratic schedule. So good for you, not so good for me.
• Crayons – There is a reason that Crayola is still profitable. Thousands of desperate mothers slap some paper and crayons on the table with the wishful thinking that perhaps they (your children) will color for a period of time.  Crayola has not planned for crayon fights, markers on walls and doorways, and those children who would rather peel off the paper than color on the page. If it works, go with it. If not, on to another idea.
• Video games – My house is a haven for XBox (husbands), Wii (kids and husbands), Nintendo DS (kids, often stolen by husband), PS2 (bought for husband’s birthday one year) and PSP (rarely used, desired by husband then thrown in a drawer. Do you see a trend here?) It’s a rainy, wet day in Vancouver.  Typical weather for this time of year.  What to do after your school snack and homework? Find a video game and leave mama in the corner for 1/2 hour. With this buffet of options, you would think that’s an easy choice? Not so! Much arguing ensues and my 1/2 hour has gone to breaking up the fight.  When they are all happily playing, baby has woke up and I’m back to peek a boo.
• Begging – Now I don’t condone begging because it makes your children respect you less, but I have been known to say “Please, please Mommy has to finish this. Can I give you a snack and a book for 10 minutes?” Then, I take my computer and go sit in the bathroom.  No, not on the toilet. Get your mind out of the gutter people.

Although these options will not work for everyone, this is what I encounter the most during my day. I frantically write, write, write whenever I can.  I overcome the obstacles because I truly love to write, it makes me happy, and some days it’s really difficult to find one thing to make you happy.

As I drove my kids home from school the other day, I listened with half an ear as my six year old recounted his experience with show and tell that day.  He had struggled that morning with what to bring, and came to the door armed with two teddy bears that he’s loved since he was a baby.  Thinking more along the lines of him not having room in his bag and not what bringing bears to school could do to a boy in Grade One, I steered him in the direction of a family photo recently taken in front of the Mickey Pumpkin during our last trip to Disney.  Of course I am distracted as we get his bag into the car, and it wasn’t until after school that I realized he did sneak his coveted ‘Buzz Bear’ to school that day.  Showing the bear off to his friends, he was quite surprised to see his friend ‘Joe’ cover his mouth with his hands and laugh.  I looked in the review mirror as he showed me what the kid did to mock him, and was instantly irate.

“Joe is a tool”, said I, before thinking it through and realizing what came out of my mouth.

“He’s a WHAT??” asked my son.  Helpfully, my 8-year-old daughter explained, “Mom thinks he’s an idiot.”

Oh my.  This is when it hit me.  I have not done a very good job hiding myself from my kids.

I understand that, in the grand scheme of things, my children live with me in my house and are therefore going to be exposed to the unavoidable verbal onslaught that often comes with my day-to-day life.  I have four children, life is stressful, and I don’t generally hide that.

It made me start wondering how much of our real personality we hide from our children, and which is better? Full disclosure with slight modifications, which is generally the way I go or the attitude that we can protect our kids from the world just by the way we react.   Never is this more important than when dealing with life’s little issues, which have the effect of a massive roof caving in snowball when left unattended.

Let’s take an example.  You are fighting with your husband and it’s about money.   Things start to get very heated.  Do you take it behind closed doors, knowing that your older children are probably eaves dropping and leaving them out there to fend for themselves or do you argue in front of them, committing yourself not to raise your voice but clearly expressing your anger?  1950’s style Mom would not say a word, continue to clean up from dinner, and if needed, would discuss the matter after the children are in bed.  From experience, I don’t know many women who would be willing to wait to have that discussion, especially as everything in our lives is currently so busy and urgent that if you wait, your little chat may never happen.

Should children see us arguing or dealing with conflict? I say yes, but I temper that with moderation.

If you shield them from these types of situations, they will grow up and be shocked as they see other people outside of your home deal with conflict.  You will then have missed your opportunity to teach them the correct way of solving a problem.  Not only that, I really believe that because it would be so overwhelming to be suddenly thrown into dealing with big issues, they will avoid conflict like the plague.  I call this the “head in sand” approach to conflict, and I’ve seen it in my husband and other family members.  I don’t like it, and I don’t want my kids to grow up like that.

When they see us dealing with problems, they will soon realize that there is almost always a solution.  You can have an argument in front of your kids, deal with it by talking it out in a heated manner, then show them that the problem is solved and move on.

The key here? The problem was solved.

Life is full of problems both big and small, you can’t keep them in a bubble. Children, from a very early age, need to know how to deal with that.

I tend to say what I think in front of my children.  If a teacher sends home a rude note about not practicing sight cards enough, I have a hard time biting my tongue and not discussing this with my husband immediately upon reading it.  Being the happy little eavesdroppers that they are, they listen in and then ask me questions as to why I am unhappy about the note.  What do you say to that? Should I lie? As I have a very strict ‘No Lie Policy”, it’s not something that I would consider.  I simply explain that not everyone does nice things, that my opinion is clearly different from the teachers, and that I am going to deal with the situation.  What do they learn from this?  Once again, Mom has a problem but she’s taking are of it.

I am the way I am as a parent because I’ve been exposed to the extreme opposite of conflict resolution.  I grew up in a family where an argument would last for hours and occasionally punches would be exchanged between family members.  Yes, that was scary for a little kid growing up.  I had real worries as a five year old, including if that argument between dad and my uncle never stopped, someone was going to get a black eye.  Yelling was second nature to me; it was how people expressed themselves.  What I never, ever saw was a solution to a problem.  I grew up thinking that maybe it wasn’t possible to deal with stuff, that huge black clouds hung over our heads for years and years, never to let up.

In contrast, my husband’s family does not fight and argue.  They may have had heated arguments or disagreements, but once they did the blinders would go on and everyone would pretend it never happened.   For me, it’s like being stuck in a vortex.  Not keeping talking about it? Not acceptable! We have to beat this issue to death.

For my children, I have taken what I experienced and armed with my Psychology degree, have come to a middle ground.  I will not shield them, but I will not pretend it never happened either.   If they are occasionally exposed to my true beliefs about their friends, teachers, or what have you, I will temper that by sitting them down and explaining why I feel that way and that my feelings do not represent everyone.  I encourage my kids to talk about what they are feeling, and if they think that their friend Joe is a tool, I let them say that as well.  Just as long as they don’t say that in class!

I know there are a lot of moms out there like me, who need to find the middle ground between how they were raised and what they know is right.  As far as I am concerned, it starts with how you express yourself to your children.   I don’t hide myself or my feelings from my kids.  When trying to figure out a problem, I ask myself what I would be teaching them by avoiding the problem altogether.

Nothing.

Then I ask myself what I would teach them by screaming about it for hours and hours.

Once again, nothing.

Remember: Sand is for building sandcastles, not for hiding from the world.  Keep your eye on the prize and find the happy middle ground that is your children’s

Ok, I realize that the current H1N1 pandemic is not fun for anyone, but the way that the store supplies of Purell and other anti-bacterial disinfectant are selling out?  Someone is DEFINITELY profiting from this horrible pandemic.

I currently have 10 mini-tubes of Purell lying around, and I keep one in my pocket at all times.  My 4 year old touches a wall, the floor, or someone else? Squirt, squirt and it’s all better.  I feel so much better when I have it, it’s become my small safety net in light of the constant gloomy news headlines.

You can’t honestly tell me that the manufacturers of Purell, Anti-bacterial soap, and Kleenex don’t just love this stuff.  As profits go down for major corporations, (except maybe Kraft, who is attempting a hostile takeover of Cadbury. What are they going to make? Easter Cheese Eggs?) profits for those benefiting from sickness go way, way up.  Nothing like a good old pandemic to stir the pocket into spending.

It’s amazing to me how I have had to defend my choices with regards to the H1N1 vaccine.

Basically I should be holding up a sign above my head saying “Yes, I got the shot, and GASP, I did my kid too.”

I actually find this difficult to write about, because I’ve researched it until the cows come home and I am really sick of reading/seeing/talking about H1N1.  It’s all so irritating. Life is pretty much on hold until my children have developed an immunity to this stupid flu. I’ve had 1 out of 4 vaccinated, simply because one is too young at 4 months and the other two weren’t high priority.

The simple rolling out of the vaccine prior to the big hit of flu season would have saved us all of this grief.  It’s almost like there are idiots in Ottawa. Oh wait, did I say that out loud?

I have become, like many, obsessed by Twitter.   I’ve been writing articles for a client all morning, and I manage to pop in there to see what’s up every 10 minutes or so.   Lately, for some reason that I couldn’t understand, it has been a source of anxiety for me.  After sitting down to really think about it, I have discovered why.  On Twitter, I am constantly reminded of the greener pastures that are out there in the world.

Yes, I am happy with my life, but Twitter reminds me that there is something ‘more’ out there that I tend to forget about when I am stuck in the house for days on end, with children who whine about boredom and expect me to simultaneously dance around the room and make homemade playdough at the drop of a hat.   Yes, the grass is always greener somewhere else on Twitter.

Want an example?

Weird Al – @alyankovic Getting ready to tape Late Night w/ @jimmyfallon – check it out tonight! (Yes, I am jealous! He’s got a weird singing voice and a vivid imagination, but how on earth did this guy get famous?)

@IN_N_OUT_Burger But well worth the wait! RT @jrev16: http://twitpic.com/naqhf Worst part is having it sit next 2 U in the car & not being able 2 eat it! (Why, oh why, do we not have an InNOut Burger on the upper West Coast? Not to mention the fact that this guy constantly posts pictures of animal style burgers gazing off into the Californian sunset while I sit here, hungry and in the rain.)

@petewentz off to have a lunch meeting about the future. not like time/space more like possibilities.  (Should I learn to play bass guitar? It seems like the right thing to do.)
Why do I continue to go back?  Well, for one, it’s interesting to watch people try to ‘outwitty’ each other on Twitter.  You can read some of the most obscure things on there.  Another? I know the news before everyone else, and I can say that I was part of the trending topic the day that Balloon Boy metaphorically ‘took off’ into the space between his dad’s ears.

Yes, the twitter grass is always greener.  Maybe someday I can jump that fence and post an update that will make someone want to migrate to my house.  You never know!